Re: Soulmates

Dearest Sister,

I am overjoyed to hear about your escapades in London – verily, you have found your calling and your passion! You glow in every picture and your voice is a gentle joy. Never lose it.

Here at home things are fantastic: I gave my first pole warmup (which was wonky, but fun) and I pulled off a Superman on my first attempt! It’s basically this move:

(only I look more human – and thus imperfect – doing it)

And I feel complete. I feel like I was meant to do this. Like I could do this my whole life and not regret a single moment of it.

It got  me thinking; I want my own pole soon. And I can already feel that the pole I will have will be one of my soulmates.

It’s interesting – I was set against the idea that one could have multiple soulmates in each lifetime. That somebody who is not a romantic interest cannot possibly touch on your life, or bring you the same satisfaction and fulfillment through relationship.

And yet I’ve already met a soulmate: Domme.

She was there even before my fall. And talking to her, having her as a support system inspired me to lift myself up. We have so much in common. We have so much to give to each other. I see her in my future and she sees me in hers. It’s like another part of me is in Cape Town.

And yet, it isn’t romantic.

We have a deep, profound love for each other and an intense desire for the other’s happiness. But we don’t desire a romantic and/or physical relationship with each other. She is as dear to me as my romantic soulmate. And I thought to myself: this is okay.

In no way does this mean that my romantic soulmate is redundant, or that he is less important. It just means that there are many manifestations of soulmate, and that you can love people deeply and equally with different kinds of love. I love Carin with the same depth and sincerity that I will love my romantic soulmate. But my love for my romantic soulmate will be a mix of agape and eros: pure and sensual love.

This was something that I struggled with for a long time, and is mostly why I became so obsessive of Ms Guevara and so insecure about her having deep connections to anyone who wasn’t me. I hadn’t understood this yet. And even now, I’m still struggling to determine the different types of love and accept that they can be on equal level. Not all love is romantic; not every touch is sexual desire.

Hope all continues to be fantastic this week! Love ya.

Your Sister

Re: The Battle Won

Dearest Domme,

Yesterday was the relaunch for our pole dance school. I had invited many people to come with, but in the end no one was available. For a moment, I reconsidered going. I didn’t want to arrive late (for I was behind schedule) and sit in the same room as Ms Guevara, all alone and vulnerable. But then, I told myself that I wanted to do this. I was the only one who was going to suffer from not doing pole. I wished to become a junior instructor. So I went alone.

Ms Guevara didn’t even show up until much later, when we had already done the toast and had started the quiz game. She came with Bright Lips, a girl I had gone on dates with years prior. They came for a bit, Ms Guevara wrote a message and asked someone to give a bouquet of sad, melancholic wildflowers to Angel before running off. She’d barely been there 5 minutes.

At first, I felt some anger and rejection seeing her arrive with BL: Oh, so they’re together now? Hmph. Bet BL understands her better. So I take it she’s better than me then? I should have been the one there, sitting with her.

And then, I took stock of everything that happened that day: Angel was over the moon that I had asked to become a junior instructor – it made things easier for the plus-size students to be taught by a girl with curves. I had started getting along with other people much better. I had mastered moves I could barely have done before the breakup; before gym and DanceSport happened. My team won the quiz and I got new perfume as a result. I was asked to oversee another Pagan ceremony. My faith in the world was restored.

Blondie even showed up. Her and Fiance stayed away until they thought I had left. Fiance is forbidden to talk to me, and that suits me fine. Blondie still holds onto the pain, and she’s giving me power that, while pleasant, I shouldn’t have.

And I thought of something: If I were still with Ms Guevara, none of this would have happened.

I wouldn’t have joined gym or DanceSport. I wouldn’t have this confidence and strength to perform moves that I have never done in all the three years I’ve been a student. And, most importantly – I would have been the one sitting next to her. I would have been the one arriving late, missing out on connecting with Angel, Functional Crush, Bond Girl and all my other friends. I would have been the one not winning a quiz teamed up with Angel’s soulmate. I would have been the one leaving just as I arrived, sacrificing freedom for what I thought was love, isolating myself from my calling and things outside my partner that made me happy. I would have been the one dealing with her shit.

And I realised that I’m not missing out on anything. But being with her made me miss out on everything.

That pole, religion, gym, dance and language revitalisation bring me closer to who I am meant to be.

And closer to my romantic soulmate.

I have won this battle.

Hope all is well with you. I love you something manic.

Sub

Re: The Battle

Beloved Angel,

The pole dance school has reopened! I’ve been talking about how much I miss pole, and now we’re having a relaunch party and you’re all to thank for this! Only thing is, there is a high likelihood that Ms Guevara will be there.

For a long time this bugged me – she had never been into pole but now that she is best friends with Vamp, she might be interested to try it out. And for a while I felt anger: pole is my thing. I cared about it before she did. Why does she always feel the need to take poetic shits on the things that make me happy?

And then I pulled my head out my ass.

Ms Guevara is a survivor; a product of abuse and negligence that has, yes, made her a bit of a clinical sociopath. She deserves to reclaim her body because, let’s face it, she’s going to run out of free skin to tattoo pretty soon. She deserves to find something that makes her happy in her new-found femininity. And she might get along better with the pole family, seeing as she’s slowly rooting herself here. My pole dance career, my future, has nothing to do with her anymore.

And then I realised something – I’ve got a drama void. From being high drama just a few months ago, I’ve been taking myself on a detox from negative vibes and convoluted sagas. And I think I’m going through withdrawal.

My darling Domme said something powerful to me: “This is the Universe saying: ‘Okay, now we’ve given you a taste of peace and happiness. Now you need to prove you are worthy enough by fighting for it.'”

And I’m not fighting Ms Guevara – I’m fighting myself.

Until Sunday,

Your Adoring Student