Life has been as enchanted as ever: I’ve been accepted to present my research – which is possibly the first of its kind in my field of study – in an international conference. I gave my first pole dance class at a Hen Party and received great reviews. Society members enjoy my language classes. I’ve moved up a level in Ballroom and scored medals in both Ballroom and Latin American in my last dance competition. I stay faithful to the Divine Couple. I have lost a lot of fat and gained a lot of muscle. I am surrounded by the love of friends. Ms. Guevara pulled a re-appearing act, and I am handling that with more class and dignity than I thought possible – and I no longer want her. Tallied up, I shouldn’t want for fulfilment.
And yet, I do.
My darling Psychic Panda had been shown that I would meet my soulmate around the university’s Graduation period. Only now, that time has passed and I have not met him. Indeed I know this, as I have seen the signs and indications of his countenance, even his initials. Knowing something like that makes it hard not to notice. And now I fear I’ve lost my chance. Worst, is how Ms. Guevara’s latest interference with my life might lead to un/intentional blocking on her part. Yesterday I spent the day fighting the pull of despair: I would never meet him. I missed my window opportunity.
And I’ve been thinking about it – I’ve been worried about this. Looking at every man, wondering if he would be The One. I had put my life and dreams on hold, again, to sit in the Waiting Room of Love.
I didn’t want to admit it – Hell, I don’t even want to admit it now – but, once again, I lost myself for another. And worse, for a man who I have not even met. Some strange part of me fears that my biological clock has sounded – although I only turn 24 this year, I’ve already begun to internalise the idea that my life has no meaning without a boyfriend. All the projects and goals lining my bedroom walls, the accomplishments I have so far, have been forgotten in the desperation of not being alone anymore.
I won’t lie, Mommy. I want to see him. I yearn to share all this love inside me. But, it seems the Universe doesn’t deem me ready just yet. And I do feel that maybe my time has passed forever. And I’m learning to be alright with that possibility. In fact, in some ways it is a relief. I imagined the problems that would arise between us if I had started dating: the distance, my future plans, everything. And I see now that my life as it is right now is uncertain enough as it is. There is something in me that hasn’t lost hope; that feels that this epiphany brings me even closer to him. So close we might meet soon.
But love hardly shows up when one is looking. You told me this morning to trust my chosen deities and seek a life pleasing to them. It is time for me to be me and explore my own faith and abilities and embrace true love when it finds me. It won’t be easy kicking the habit of searching for him, but I think in many ways this is best. Our love should happen naturally, and it won’t happen by me walking into a conversation with my soulmate already forcing him into pre-conceived notions. I can teach myself to value and enjoy being single. And I will.